Deep introspection.

I don't really remember exactly when I posted last, but I can pretty much guarantee that I haven't gone out and done anything exciting since then. That's not to say that I've been totally idle though. I've been doing a lot of thinking, actually. This is going to be one of those posts that helps me sort out some thoughts and doesn't really do anything for you guys, so, sorry. I'm using this as an actual blog as opposed to a travel one right at this moment. Meaning, feelings more than narrative events.
First, what I've actually physically done recently: nothing besides going to a party last night. And watching lots and lots of Bones and NCIS. Also, looking at the puppies currently up for adoption in the LA area right now. Basically, forcibly manipulating my heartstrings. The Christmas episode of Bones actually made me cry, but that's neither here nor there.
So, yesterday, Jerry (a guy that works for the management company from which the Awesome [what I've just now decided to call next year's apartment, for obvious reasons] is being rented) was supposed to fax me a copy of our lease to sign. I set it up with Jonathan, one of the other SC students here, so that I could use his fax machine and would pick up the lease from his place at 9pm and then go to a party that one of his friends was having. I walked to the dorm where he lives, in tempest-grade winds I might add, only to have him tell me that the lease had never come through. Jonathan is slightly awkward, at best, so I don't think it ever crossed his mind to let me know this before I walked all the way over there, but whatever. The party was in the dorm, because things like that are allowed here. We got there and FOB was playing and beer pong with Corona was occurring. I should probably say that this was a "surf" themed party. So of course, I felt right at home. Over the course of the night, which was really only three and a half hours, Jonathan and I became reigning beer pong champions by winning 3 games. More importantly, though, I met the Canadian version of me. Her name is Alysha, and she's an ANTH major. We talked about a lot of stuff that I've had on my mind lately, because it's been on hers too. Basically, I have a huge girl-crush on myself. Anyway. We also proceeded to finish off a partial bottle of Grey Goose, so go us.
But yeah, the stuff that's been on my mind is life. More specifically, the real world vs. academia. I know, I'm a junior, and it's way too early for this crisis, but since basically everyone that I know is now facing/has just faced it, mine is being prematurely precipitated. That, and it's really all I ever think about. My concerns are two-fold, really, with lots and lots of little creases.
Concern #1 goes something like this: I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I know what I like. I know what I believe. I know what my weaknesses are. I don't know how all of those things are going to work towards my happiness in employment. I worry that I'm only working toward a career in museums/arts administration because it sounds cool to say. I could be the young, hip professional arbiter of taste that I can't be in my personal life, for a variety of reasons. When I really think about it though, that isn't so much what I want. Yes, I love art. That one fact is completely undeniable. But, I hate the economics of art. I hate pretending that taste is something that should be qualified and commodified. I know, I'm discounting entire fields of intensive study by tremendously interesting scholars (hello, Kant), but it just sort of makes me feel sick. Erin and I argue about this occasionally, as my view is idealistic and naive and hers is grounded in solid communication theory, but for both music and art I am a proponent of basically socialist, corporation-free realms. Impossible, blah blah blah, not my point. My point is, really, that I don't know if I can buy into the institutions of art. Sell my soul to the Man, if you will. I think museums are valuable resources, in that they have the potential to expose a lot of people to a lot of really important cultural productions, but I have a million tiny problems with the whole system. These million tiny problems (concerning things like ownership and struggles over repatriation and private vs. subsidized and having to pay to see objects that should belong to all of us) add up to a possibly insurmountable issue for me. The good that museums do is so intellectually specific and so clouded by the way that we've chosen, as a society, to run them.
Ultimately, I love art, but not the art world. And I've been thinking about this in terms of what else I could do that would be less morally compromising for me. There are tons of jobs that one can get with a liberal arts degree, completely outside the realm of art etc. But if I don't want to work in art, what else do I care about? Nothing. This is another crease of this problem. It is art, and only art, about which I am deeply passionate.
This leads me directly to Concern #2. If I love art so much, why not just become an academic? Write about art, in my own way, forever. Be free to study art/people interactions, which is what makes up the bulk of my interest. Because I don't know if I can do it. The thought of grad school is kind of making me panic at this moment. My entire life, I've had my sights set on eventually getting a Ph.D and being Dr. Lynch. There aren't any of those in my family. I know, though, that to do that would require at least 3 more years of schooling- 1 for a master's, and 2 more to write a doctoral thesis, defend it, etc. Technically, I could skip the master's and go right into a Ph.D. program, focusing on my chosen topic. Problem there is, I can't even fathom being able to choose a topic for intensive research any time soon. Also, I like the idea of a taught master's, because it would enable me to get a more solid practical foundation, something that an art history degree doesn't provide. I would get my master's in something like museum studies or public art, actually qualifying me to work in the art world. And then, maybe, I would have more of a focus for my eventual thesis. But maybe not.
Like the art world, I have a million small problems with this route. Mostly, I'm tired of this life. I don't know how much more research I can do before I lose all interest in everything. I feel like the number of papers that I have left in me is quickly becoming so small that just my BA might do me in. Especially if I plan on writing an honors thesis next year, which I do. And I can't even begin to imagine what I'm going to write that on, though Roman Britain looms large in my mind right now. The other problem with the academic life is money. More specifically, I don't have any. I'm living a life of self-denial, and it's destroying my will to do anything. I can't go out to eat when I want to. I can't buy all of the clothes that I'd like to have. I can't live a life of idle luxury haha. But really, it's too constrictive for me. I would be more than happy to live out the rest of my life in a shack in the woods, as I keep threatening. But that's not a feasible option right now. I would still need to be able to travel sometimes if I did that, and I don't have the savings necessary for that venture. The need to travel comes from another deep-seated issue, that being my wanderlust. I can't stay in one place forever. I hate making new friends, but it's emotionally easier than getting tired of my surroundings. My issues are varied and terrible, let me tell you.
What that all comes down to is this: I think I am going to need to take AT LEAST a year off after my BA. I don't know where I'll go or what I'll do, but right now, staying in LA and trying out museum work doesn't seem terrible. I can then decide how much my soul is going to cost and if I have the emotional strength to go back to a life of research and deprivation. A master's only takes a year, two part-time, so I think, in all likelihood, I will get one. Whether or not I can stop after that, I don't know. I have to evaluate my reasons for wanting a Ph.D. Mostly, I think, it's a selfish, shallow thing. Does getting a Ph.D. make me a better person? Nope. Will it help me make the world a better place? Nope. Really, then, is it worth what it's going to cost me (mentally and economically)? I don't need to decide that right now.
Of course, I'm going to apply for all of the fellowships/scholarships that I can next year. I think most of them can be deferred for a year anyway, so it couldn't hurt. And hell, who wouldn't want to be a Rhodes' Scholar? I'm as good as Bill Clinton, at least.
Now we get to the really crazy part of all this personal reflection- my alternate job choice, should museum work really be as terrible as I fear it might be. I am seriously, SERIOUSLY considering the possibility of becoming an FBI agent. I know, completely and totally ridiculous. Almost out of character for me, even, but only if you don't know me and where I come from. My father is a retired police officer. He became a police officer because he wanted to help people, and every other job that he'd tried failed to make him happy. Basically, I am beginning the long road of following in his unsatisfied footsteps. I don't really think of being an FBI agent as working for the Man, though it is basically the pinnacle of "Man-ness." The CIA, on the other hand, is totally working for the Man. The draw of the FBI is, as my Facebook status says, the art crimes division. I would have plenty of excuses to see the world, I'm sure, while still being able to feel that I am doing some Good and making the world, and the art world, a better place. This really does fit into my belief in art being for everyone, as I would be mostly trying to catch people who remove art from the public realm in order to sell it (for great economic gain) into the private realm. I'd be like the Robin Hood of hippie federal agents. Yes, I really and truly can justify anything. But I'd at least have a stable income and job security and the ability to move around a lot. Downsides, of course, being the need to get in serious shape before I can even think of Quantico and the possibility of being shot at all the time. I firmly believe that being a Special Agent in the FBI is approximately 4,000 times cooler than being a doctor in some obscure field of art history, though. And more socially conscious.
What's really funny about all that, and ties back to Alysha, is that she feels exactly the same way. Except, instead of becoming an FBI agent, she's looking into becoming a Mountie. I'm not even kidding. I think we're going to have lunch later this week, so we can continue to be awesome together.
If you read all that, you now know more about my psyche than anybody else in the world, basically. Congratulations. Now go do something constructive.

- C

Absolutely fantastic.

I've watched every episode of Doctor Who and Torchwood in existence, so now I have to come back to this. Okay, wait, that's not true. I've watched all of the new episodes of Doctor Who. Because actually, that show started in the 60s (?), and there are approximately 30 series. I've seen the entirety of the new series, which are the last 3 seasons. Basically, when the Doctor was played by Christopher Eccleston and then (now) David Tennant (who you may also know as Barty Crouch, Jr., or, alternatively, my new future husband). Shut up, I'm moving on from Heath. And this is why I try not to keep a blog; the world at large becomes audience to my insanity. But really, David Tennant is brilliant, and so is the show. Torchwood is also good, though a bit more melodramatic and weirder (yes, weirder than a show about an alien who travels through time and space in a blue box). Also, the wearing of Chucks with full suits may be the most charming fashion statement ever. But as nobody else is watching either of these shows, I should move on so as not to bore you.
In case you were hoping to hear about my life of late, that's what the first paragraph was. Also, I've discovered that the BBC, like the major American TV stations, has an internet player for already broadcast shows. It's more efficient in that shows are available as soon as they've aired, but you can only watch the shows for a week after they've aired (unless you download them, in which case you have 30 days or a week from when you watch it). It's a very complicated DRM system, but whatever. I can watch the new season of Torchwood on Wednesday nights, and Doctor Who in the spring, and I don't need to buy a TV or a license. Which brings up another point: to own a TV here, you have to buy a TV license. It's about 140 GBP for a color TV and 50 GBP for black and white. So double that to get the price in dollars. You buy the license for a year, and it covers all of the TVs in your household. I have no idea why they do it that way, except that it may or may not help to pay for the BBC stations, which are all publicly funded.
Right, my life. Enough about TV shows. I also do exciting things like go to the library to do readings for class. And go to class, of course. When it isn't canceled. Which has happened, so far, twice, because the professors were sick, and then I didn't have Buddhist Art this week or last because the professor went on a delegation to China. Yeah, my schedule is much easier than yours, probably. But when I was in the library yesterday, I did see some amusing graffiti on the desk at which I was working. British students, and European students in general, are very political. So there were lots of things like:
FUCK THE ENGLISH, REMEMBER BANNOCKBURN
which earned the reply:
no I wasn't born.
And then there was stuff like:
GALICIA IS NOT SPAIN
which I found amusing because we learned all about that in my AP Spanish class in high school.
Of course, there were some nasty things about Americans, one of which involved being able to recognize the American students from a mile away because of their "stupid-ass UCLA caps" (seriously, fuck those guys). But the very best, for a variety of reasons was (Dan, pay attention):
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.
Even the graffiti is cleverer here.
Something that may be of marginal interest to people, I realize, is food. I haven't actually talked about what I can and can't get here much, and that's something that always interests me, and maybe other people as well. I mentioned the American chain restaurants here, but besides them, there's a variety of food types and ethnicities represented. Within a two-minute walk from my flat, I can get: Indian (which is the Chinese of the UK), Chinese, vegetarian (which I think is an off-shoot of Indian), Middle-Eastern, African/Mediterranean, Thai, Italian, pub food, sandwiches, and whatever I want from the 4 grocery stores on my block or the next. Also, there are a variety of uncategorizable cafes and coffee shops and little restaurants, and some place called Elephants and Bagels. I find that place intriguing. There are also tiny ethnic groceries in the same area, as you would expect. And, my personal favorite so far, Greggs. In the simplest terms, it's a bakery/sandwich shop. However, it's better than that, because 1) it's damn cheap and 2) they have savories, which are a variety of (as the name implies) savory things wrapped in pastries. Delicious pastries. For less than 2 GBP, I can get a really filling lunch, with dessert.
If I leave the immediate area around my flat, I can find anything else, I think. I've seen an American style place with burgers/pizzas/salads, though done in an expensive, take advantage of tourists way. I've seen multiple Mexican places, a tapas bar, lots of take-away places with things like falafel/kebabs/fish and chips, and even a Nepalese restaurant. I'm particularly intrigued by that one. Plenty of new things for me to try while I'm here.
As for grocery stores, I can basically buy the same stuff as you'd get in the US, except better quality. Like most places in Europe, Scotland (and the UK) is big on homegrown things whenever possible. So there's a large variety of local meats and cheeses, and fruits and vegetables also to some extent. What I really enjoy are all of the different flavors of things. Juices here are phenomenal. They mix things that we'd never even think of in the US, often involving apples. I love apple juice when it isn't too sweet, which tends to be the problem with the available types in the US. Here, they treat apples sort of like we treat cranberries, for lack of a better comparison, and basically I'm in juice heaven. Apple/elderflower is my favorite so far, but apple/raspberry and apple/mango are also delicious. I'm going to miss the variety when it's time to leave.
Also, ridiculous weather. Today, it was raining early in the morning. Then, it stopped raining and was overcast. Then, it started snowing, like full-on blizzard-style. When I left for class at 10:45, it was sunny. When I left class at 1, it was getting overcast again. When I left for my other class at 1:45, it was overcast. Leaving that class at 2:50, I walked out into a blizzard (and to understand that, imagine the huge, fluffy kind of snowflakes that turn you into a snowman because they stick and 30mph gusts of wind [they're rarely more than 5mph in LA]). It did that for about 2 hours, and then it stopped and got overcast again. The best thing about the weather is the wind. It's awesome to be in the library, or indoors anywhere, and hear it whipping around outside. The snow was also spectacular, as I haven't seen real snow in a few years now. I've missed it.
I think the theme of this post is: variety is the spice of life. I'm thinking that it's impossible to ever really get tired of a place where so much is available and so much is different from hour to hour. Not in the few months that I have here, anyway.
My life is thrilling, obviously. You guys should definitely aspire to be me. That's all.

- C